A special bond

When there is no one,  no living soul around... nothing warmth with no one on your side, when you come home to an empty and dysfunctional home,  when you have no one to eat and sleep with.....as loneliness gets to befriend me.

It is interesting that I get something to look forward to something pure and alive, free from control and logic.

True to his himself. And I get to see him and interact with him.
Even though I get to do it everyday, I am not tried,  bored ..instead it is like time passes.

Cleaning up his mess can get really tiring,  but just like a mother who has given birth,  she forgets her pain and tiredness when she sees her baby.

Although, 
my mum did not see me off to work, ah boy did. 
He knows when I am awake and it is his food time.
And I get to kiss and hug him before I start the day.
When someone looks forward for me to be back at the end... imagine you are the only one he is waiting for.

I am reminded that I am important in his life.
I am enough for him.

Even though it seems that he looks forward for his meals rather than seeing me.... his action when he delayed eating right after I have given him food showed me that,
there is something more important that he and I need to be alive.. that is human touch.

It means he eats heartily without a care, only after he had been given hugs and kisses.

His need for reassurances , affirmed love,  kindness and acceptance are a reflection of what I need as well.

More than a physical body,  craving for connection and to be secure in this relationship is vital for life.

When I am his reflection... what I do he copies even though he is... a pet?
The way I sleep.... eat....  irritations.
I have reminded to be gentle with myself....

But,  what amazes me the most is his innate ability to connect with a thing so much bigger.
His connection with me really touches my heart and soul... and it is so healing.
How many humans out there can you even have a connection?
Either they just can't get it, or too busy to want to connect.

But, at the end of the day... it is the very thing,  that is beautiful and important, a longing we have heart and soul. 

To be known by another and be accepted no matter what.

It does make sense that we are made to live forever with the Lord. And it will never be dull or boring or purposeless.

Amen

A bond that never dies

When you are bugged for not spending personal time with him...when you just did!

When you are the only living being that he gets excited about when he hears the ringing of home keys that you just reached home!

There is such thing as saying goodnight and going to bed... when you see him contented and filled and ready to go into his little room and sleep.
Not standing by the edge of his cage waiting.

When meal times means Mummy and me eating the same food?

Happiness

When happiness is seek from the outside, dependant on things rather than God alone for comfort and encouragement, which means surrending to god..and waiting for him and not despair.

Life would seem without its purpose and meaning without suffering. or bearing with others or one's own struggles for peace and calmness. Signs of being alive, has a bigger picture for a greater cause.. However, cold and unfeeling it might seems.

There will be days without any signs of purpose and meaning. We would wander in unfamiliar lands that are harsh and dry. It would seem empty and as if God has abandoned us.

We would learn to appreciate human life and understand it's value and sacredness. Yet, the journey to self discovery is a long winding road.

The understanding of one self to face the unknown.
The strength needed to do combat and recover from the treacheries.
Courage to stand up again and again after being pushed off balance... With countless heartaches and without any answers to the whys.

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Unbreakable Relationship

It is possible to have an endearing relationship with God. He has decided long ago to teach us how to have lasting relationship. The type where does not depend on what we did, are going to do. The truth is he is such a loving father and mother that wants us to live with him as spiritual beings. Who is willing to get into the mud with us. Who just can't wait to get involve with us. He is never going to abandon us, be angry with us for long. Yet, we are so afraid of him, unsure of his love and mercy. We run.... The only constancy is him. He believes in us so much that he wants to get into our mess with us. He is willing to invest in us. So much that he sent his son to die as a ransom to pay off our debtors. That he wants us to share the gift of eternal life as spiritual beings. To lift us to become heavenly beings. However, we need assurances ...we need to know and know in the very depths of our beings that we are loved no matter what. That we would not be ever abandoned. We are his children and he is our Father. We need to constantly return back to the heart of our father as we are unable to provide for ourselves the graces needed to work on ourselves to learn and grow in maturity in love with one another and God.

The daily struggles

The daily drama of who is right and who is wrong. The poor me. Why me? I cannot la! The blaming game The above or similar contentions.. Sounds familar and very human. We play the games as our children do Our expections high and acceptance low. Our blood boils the minute things don't go according to plan. We base our actions out of what is in for me or be stepped all over, over giving. We go through extremes ...either ...or We get high and get real low. We feel like victims. We are so impatient, we compare....we think we have to get it right the first time. If not the second. We go into depression. We feel guilty, we feel that we have to carry the responsibilty for others. We allow ourselves to be used....we learn what is boundary. We feel that we have to earn love from others... no matter how others are treating us. We make excuses for them. We forgot that they would never love us the way we want them to. We learn that it is not about us. It is not always our fault that things are not going well. We learn to let go. We are so limited, we cannot get it right or be perfect. We learn to embrace our imperfections and others. We look to Jesus who can embrace us as we are. We learn when to do and when to rest. We learn that routine is good... we need constancy to grow as much as we need changes. We learn of our human state and start to embrace with compassion our imperfections, faults, scars, guilts, obsessions. We carry our crosses and follow Jesus. Then with all the dramas ... we learn that we need boundaries and respect to grow and mature.

Vulnerabilities our only way in building

How can we build bridges across to another soul without being seen, heard amd felt. Can we feel ugly, silly, embrassed, jealous, angry, anxious, butterflies, risk being rejected, judged. Can we feel as if our hearts are going to break? And still dare to risk it to be seen and heard! How than can we learn trust? How do we know we can or connect? How then can love otherwise grow in intimacy, safety? How can we understand me and the other? How to learn what this commitment means? To be there for someone? How else can we give? If there is no thrashing out between one another? What holds us together? What gels us as one instead of focusing as the body of Christ? How else only through honest communication...not going through a checklist! We need the time...we need the energy.....in order to build love, the covenant that God intended for us tp have and with him. We cannot build love without sacrifice of one self. We cannot mend our brokeness if we cannot forgive. We cannot build relationship without commitment to one another. We need the structure of a covenant to grow, for within this protected space, we can then work through within us and with another. To have a relationship God has intended for us.

Bonding versus Love

I believe God created bond to protect, keep us connected with him and one another. It is a form of love that wants us to have a sense of belonging... close intimacy ... It helps to nurture the young in animals and humans. However, the bond that keeps friends together...becomes the bond we have for our own flesh and blood. A collection of shared experiences together. So, as soon as trials come along... the bond becomes trying. We become humans with no chest. Got brains but no heart. Got family but no relationship. Can get hurt but no more emotions. We lose the meaning and purpose and the potential of living. We become alienated, empty and restless. Living no mere than the hard cover of a book. We no longer regard our beings as sacred beings. Devoid of what the body of love really means. Now, the real exciting part is our risk to be vulnerable. What makes us known and seen and understood?

My brokeness

Sometimes, I cannot choose the kind of family I come from...

The love, closeness, intimacy I long for.

The harmony, acceptance, that seems only certain choosen people are allowed to have.

It cannot be earned and cannot be justified.

More like a gift... either I am given or not.

Yet, I cannot deny that my dad loves me.

However, I cannot communicate with him.

The struggle and fustration are there.
The tension of not being understood.

There are no gentleness, no rewards,
no warmth, no encouragement.

I don't to die in the drama.

Neither do I get to move on.